C.A.N.CER SU.CKS!

It is a horrible disease and if you are diagnosed too late there is almost nothing that can be done for you. You can choose to let a side effect of the chemo get you or you can fight like hell and be hit with more problems like Ki.dney failure. I am watching my dear friend deteriorate before my eyes. It's a hard position to be in, caring, watching, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We almost lost him a few months back to bleeding ulcers, with that fixed, life returned to what we consider normal and then BAM, Ki.dney Failure. With Ne.phrostomy tubes placed the ki.dneys seem to function fine but now we are faced with another problem, mem.ory loss. Confusion is kicking in and we aren't sure what to make of it. It's scary. Some days it provides for a giggle but mostly it's scary. We don't know if the C.A.ncer has metas.tisized to his brain or not, we can't do tests to find out. That in itself is a blessing some days. Sometimes the not knowing can make it worse but in his case the knowing makes it worse. I beg and plead to God, I don't want him to suffer and losing his memory is suffering for him.

I'm not ready to lose him but if it meant he wouldn't suffer then well, I guess, I could face that. It seems like life is about love and loss, and if we can't figure out how to navigate those waters then we ourselves become lost. I refuse to be lost in this world, I will find away to do this all with grace, I will!

Hello and Welcome!

So, here I am and if you are reading then you are here too! Welcome!

I won't be blogging too much here but need to get my thoughts out! Wayne, our friend is very sick and Hospice is now coming 3 times a week. I have become a primary caregiver long before I thought I would! My heart aches in different ways these days and my mind, it whirls around! If you have nice things to say to me, then feel free to comment, otherwise, be aware, I WILL delete you! I have NO time or energy for negative nellies in my life if you are a positive hopefull person then feel free to join me on this journey to where I do not know!

I haven't left

Misery...as a matter of fact Misery is what it truly is...Yes, I live in Missouri but Misery seems to be my state of mind. For the last year and almost one month...Misery is where I have lived...well, that's not exactly true. What is true is that my life has changed dramatically, you can catch up with me and my thoughts at Where to go from here?

Happy 1 month Birthday my little Angel...

Mommy woke up this morning wishing more and more that you were here. Daddy and I had a rough day. It's hard to be without you. We miss you so much! I love you and hope you are having fun on the clouds...playing in heaven. More than the moon and the stars and the sun, I love you, your Mommy

God Bless....

the souls of the people who do not know and bless my soul for teaching them. Help me to be kind, compassionate and understanding that not everyone, thankfully has been in my shoes.
Help me to understand why this happened to us. Bless our families and friends for being so caring and missing William as much as we do. Please keep us all safe from further pain. Amen

A letter to William

Good Morning Sweet Angel,
How strange it must seem to those on the outside that I talk to you.
You who doesn't sit in my arms but I feel you all around me.
My sweet little boy who didn't take a breath. You are your Mommy's flesh and blood a part of her soul. I wish that I could hear you sigh, I wish that I never had to say good-bye. Actually, come to think of it I didn't say good-bye. Mommy doesn't like good-byes! I kissed your fragile forehead and handed you off...I guess I knew that I'd see you again someday. The peace that I felt when I held you that day. Can I ever get that back? Will I ever sleep soundly without medication, will I have the strength to get through the day? This "club" it is sad and we're so many. Mommy's with Angels and Daddy's with broken hearts and silent grief of course, they're the Daddy's of Angels too. Will you ever know Will, how much we miss you, do you have an idea of how much we wanted you? I'm sure you do as I said before you are around me everyday...for that I am sure. My arms they ache. What a strange sensation I thought they were lying but I ache to hold you and coming up on your 1 month birthday I wish I had all those days in between to hold you again and see your cowboy feet and kiss you. I know it's a rambling letter Will, but you should know that Mommy thinks and speaks all at once! I know I'll cross over one day to the bright side and see you standing there waiting for me. I know that I'll know you and I know you are in Gods hands and I know you are with family and friends. Be good my little one. I love you and I'll see you on the other side.
Love, Mommy

My Dear Sweet William,

Mommy misses you. I watch the planes fly over the house and I think to myself they are all searching for you. Someday maybe I'll be on one of them and I will see you sitting on a cloud smiling at me as we fly by. God, I pray for that day.
I go from angry to sad in a matter of seconds. I'm sad because of the things I won't get with you...that first cry that I never heard, the smile I never got to see, the voice calling "Mommy", you peeing in the house plants ( I would have loved to see that) You calling out to "Daddy" Your six month pictures, the girlfriend that I wouldn't like be she 3, 16, or 20! The feelings I would feel on your first date, you going to college, heck back up your first day of school. Some people never think of all the firsts that they get...that's all I can think about all of the firsts I will never get with you.
I know however that I will spend all of eternity with you one day...when that day comes please wait for me, I will be the proud Mommy looking into your eyes...I am the proud Mommy of my Angel William.
Mommy is tired and it's way past my bedtime so for tonight I'll say Goodnight Sweet William! I love you more than the moon, the stars, and the sun.
Love, Mommy

I wasn't ready for this...

I did get pregnant again...I had just wrapped my head around being a Mom, I was settling in and bonding with William. A regular appointment...they couldn't find his heart beat...sonogram showed no beating heart. My little man was gone.
December 13, 2007 4:14am William Henry Johnson, 12.2 oz. 11 inches long was born into this world still. Mommy doesn't know what to do without you. I miss you so much and the pain it comes and goes but you my love I can't even hold...not physically as you will always be held in my heart and head and yes, in my soul.
I'm lost and confused and saddened by you not being here. I know you know this as you are always with me and you know my every thought.
I'm angry with a lot of things and trying to work through this fire that burns so hot. Please help Mommy and Daddy too we both miss you so much.